Where Have All the Dads Gone?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have zero tolerance for people birthing, creating, adopting or fostering children without taking care of them. Look at all the deadbeat parents we have out here in the world! It is beyond sad! The number of neglected and abandoned children is skyrocketing WAY out of control. We need to have a better system of accountability in our communities. The child support system is a JOKE in some states and the community accountability for being a good parent just doesn’t exist as it does in some countries (i.e, take care of your children or be ostracized or hurt.)

We don’t even bother to ask, “Where is the father?” anymore because single mother households have become the norm (especially in our black community.) This is a huge problem.

We are witnessing a dangerous cycle. We have young men being raised solely by women, who then grow up believing the role of a father isn’t an important one. Those young men continue on to adulthood and abandon their children or play a very limited role in their lives. We also have young women growing up without fathers that will continue into adulthood believing that absent fathers are acceptable. These women will also be less likely to find a partner later in life thats sticks around to parent with her. This horrifying cycle just goes on and on. We need to do better.

Let’s start with the community. Why aren’t we talking to our young fathers and encouraging them to be PARENTS? Why do we have so many Baby Boys in our community? Do I need ask why so many mothers allow their adult sons that have children to still live at home, sometimes jobless? Isn’t this enabling our young men to keep having children recklessly? Where is the accountability? By babying our young men who have chosen the route of absentee parent aren’t we simply condoning their behavior? Let your men grow into men! Stop treating them like permanent children. Help them set goals and stick to them! If we teach our young men responsibility early in life we wouldn’t have to have the government interfere and TELL him what to do. By ignoring it, we are part of the problem.

I guess I always have a lot of questions in these posts. :/

Here’s what I do know. Single moms UNFAIRLY get blamed for everything. As an educator I see many teachers blaming the moms for not doing/teaching this or that but my next question always is “Where is the dad?” Often times on the news you will see a single mother snap out from stress and endanger her children. I ask, “Where was the dad when this happened?” It takes more than one person to create a child so why is the blame being unfairly placed on one side? If dads helped out more we could alleviate a lot of stress for mothers.

Am I taking all responsibility away from the mother? Of course not. If you neglect/abandon your child, you SHOULD be punished, but do you not see the double standard here? I know dozens of single mothers that haven’t received child support in months (sometimes YEARS) from the fathers! Are these fathers in jail or being punsihed? Nope. Isn’t that considered abandonment? Neglect? If the custodial mother decides not to buy groceries and the child doesn’t eat for a few days, that’s absolutely neglect that can and should be reported. Why isn’t late payment of child support punished as harshly? Maybe if the punishment was more consistent we would see more active parents. I know a lot of you feel that we shouldn’t “make” a man be a father, but I feel we need to demand that all parents at the very least contribute financially to the well being of their children even if they refuse to be there emotionally or physically.

Of course the ideal situation is to have each parent be there physically, emotionally and financially for their child. I think we need COMMUNITY in order to do this. If you see a man not being the great parent you KNOW he is capable of being, tell him about it. If you know your best friend has money for everything else but his kids, check him. It takes a village to raise a child and we have a lot of work to do!

Dads, your kids NEED YOU! You aren’t optional. Even if your father wasnt there for you as a child, channel that hurt into something positive and let the cycle of neglect end with YOU.

Namaste,

Aisha Thalia